the hardest battLe.

Everyone hits rock bottom at times.  Some chose to give up, others hard as it may be try and try to prevail and stay strong.  Those people understand the meaning of life. What is the meaning? Every one has a different opinion. My life and the meaning to it is love.  Nothing matters more to me than that.  When your sad, alone, stressed, going through any type of difficulty iif you have love you will pull through it.  Wheater its a friend, family member, or our so called other half, knowing theres someone there who cares even if its just one person gives us the strength we need too keep pushing forward.  Life is about happyness, its about caring for each other, its about smiling, being friendly, giving the best of you.  Life is about defining your own self and not letting life define you.  Your life doesnt make you, you make your life and only you can control it. Life means being strong even when you feel like giving up.

Lately i have ben struggling with the hardest battle.  The battle of going against my own heart.  My heart was holding on to something, something that was once the most amazing thing i had in my life.  I had let go, yet my heart was and is still holding on to it. All that does to me is hurt me, it makes me suffer, it makes it harder to cope with. Harder to deal with and harder to move on.  Sadly i cant force my heart to forget not even if i try, knowing that time heals all ii get frustrated because i dont know how long it will be.  i hate every feeling i hold inside me.  being hurt can sometimes make you forget the good inside of you, it can make u rot inside, it can make you act in ways that you cant even imagine.  I say this because its happening to me right now,  I want to go out there and not have feelings, i want to play games like they played with me, i want to lie and cheat and break hearts, i want to not care and not feel, but i know thats not me and i know i do not want to turn into someone i hate.  Im fighting and fighting, fighting this bitchy atttitude, fighting my smart ass remarks, fighting for my good heart to stay good and not let the weakness of hurt and pain turn my beautiful heart into an evil pumping organ inside of me.

I am thankful to have those people that on a daily basis make sure im ok, on a daily basis send me a simple sign that they care or are concerned about my well being.  Those who keep pushing me to stay strongm and keep reassuring me that the sun will shine again.  Those who when im rolled up in bed come over and pull me out of it and remind me they will not let me stop living because of this.  I see them smile at me, i see how valuable i am to them, how beautiful i am in their eyes, how they try so hard to make me smile, and it means so much to me.  For those brief moments i forget my pain, i forget to cry, to frown, i dont allow myself to remember.  Regardless no matter what before closing my eyes at night he is always the one i think about the one i whisper i love u to, even if  it means im whispering it to my own self.  I never knew how much having to let go of someone you loved was until now.  I had never given my all away because i was scared, scared to end up where i am now.  But i gave my all away, and i dont regret it because i know that everything we experience good or bad teaches us something in life.  And i may not be that funny, dorky, hyper little girl that everyones used to.  I may not be in the bestest of moods.  I may not be as fun to be around with as the usual.  But i guarantee thats temporary, because i do not know from where or how but i will not let this win me over.

As of now ii need to cry ii need to let all the pain out until its all gone and out of my system.  Im not ashamed to say im hurt, im not ashamed to say i have cried, im not ashamed to say im heart broken.  why? because i am not the one who let a good thing go. it shows that unappreciated, uncared for, and used i still gave my all.  I loved, i was sincere, honest, i cared, i didnt break a heart.  I did things the right way, yes i ended up loosing.. but did i really???? Diid i really loose, nope i gaiined.  I gained  strength, i gaiined learning a new lesson, And ii gaiined a friend, that lady he calls mother is and will always be special to me.  She has taught me a woman can over come anything alone, that a woman can move forward, abd that a woman as hurt as can be keeps her golden heart n gives love regardless of how hurt she might feel inside.  Mayrin is the name of the precious angel who he calls mother.  not everyone touches your heart but those who do are worth it all. 

i may not be the most perfect person out there.  I may not have the perfect attitude.  I will piss u off, get on ur nerves, give you headaches.  But above all of that i know all the qualities i hold.  And i know and im positive girls like me are pretty much no where to be found.  I can loose everythiing in this life, but no one can take me away from me.  No one can take my heart or my feelings, my morals, my self respect.  i belong to me, and for me i will one day smile and forget what it was like.  I may always remember him, hos voice, his eyes, his laugh, his scent, his kisses, hiis hugs,  Thats ok with mee... i will smile and remember that at one poiint he was what kept me smiling.  i know i will be okay.... all i can do now iis smile even if iinsiide
everything is broken and shattered...  but ii have my crazy glue in hand and i will put all the pieces bakk together.. angiie is not going out of business... Life always always goes on!

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