ii kn0w ii havent been writing much about my pr0blem... lately ii have ben doing very g00d iive ben eating regularly if s0me0ne was t0 see mee dey'd have n0 clue ii had a pr0blem with eating.. has iit ben easy? n0, n0t at all. every time ii eat ii still run h0me after a meal and ii wanna weiigh myself because ii feel ii gaiined liike a million p0unds.. wat calms me d0wn iis dat ii have ben doing al0t 0f exerciise and dat reliieves my stress.. its just gaiining weiight really really scares mee.. t0day ii alm0st criied because ii iimagiined myself beiing all fat because 0f h0w g00d iim eatiing and f0r a m0ment ii thought starve urself agaiin wiithout no one findiing out.. but den ii saiid no angiie ur fiine.. at dee gyym everyone says iim skinny and thiin... iinsiide of mee ii feel liike telling dem g0sh shut up and st0p lyiing t0 mee.. sometiimes ii ask myself do ii see what dey see.? am i the 0nly 0ne dat sees a fat obese c0w? ii know iits ironic but lately iive felt a lil better in my 0wn skiin.. even though ii still feel liike gosh ur s000 fat angiie.. ii thiink ii gaiined liike 10 lbs... but n0t iin siize just iin weiight.. ii diid paniic ii fkn hated myself f0r iit.. but ii told myself iit was okay because ii h0nestly feel liike th0se 10 lbs gave mee a lil bit of my liife and energy bakk.. ii also tell myself now ii willl loose those 10 lbs but the HEALTHY WAY! ii love goiing t0 dee gym.. iit reliieves my stress and kiinda takes me away t0 a better place..ii love just being dere and sweating and l00sing cal0riies.. my b0dy iisnt wat iit used t0 be.. ii kn0w strength wiise ii am n0 where near t0 the str0ng angiie ii used t0 be.. but iim tryiing... ii really am.. ii dont thiink dere ever will be a day where ii dont think of my weight.. but ii made myself a pr0miise dat iif ii wanna get smaller whiich ii d0 and ii am ii am g0iing t0 d0 iit the healthy way.. eatiing riight and 6 times a day and goiing t0 dee gym.. d0 ii still feel liike f00d iis my enemy... yes... sometiimes ii wiish ii had that will t0 starve agaiin liike ii started doiing july 15... but ii cant... ii cant because a part of me will no longer let mee.. ii just wonder t0day iif dere ever will be a day where ii look at myself and thiink " you have reached ur g0al" what iim afraiid 0f n0w iis reaching my g0al and den setting a new g0al with a lower weight number.. iim afraiid 0f al0t 0f thiings and ii get s0 em0ti0nal thiinkiing about thiis...im scared of beiing fat.. ii know iim no where near iit cuz iim consiidered thin, skinny..... but.... what iif ii gain 10 lbs 20... 30.. what iif one day ii become fat.. ii dunno what i'll d0.. but ii just feel liike f0r me that isnt an optii0n ii hate t0 say iid rather diie than be fat.... and when ii say that ii mean it.. wiith all dat saiid.. ii pray t0 g0d t0 help me wiith thiis.. because yes ii need strength.. and ii need faiith that everythiing will be ok..
wiith all thiis saiid, ii wiish u all a g00d niight :] g0d bless u all.. t0day ii am sleeping 0ver my hunnys house.. being in his arms als0 helps me al0t.. because at the end 0f dee day ii kn0w even iif ii gain a pound more or l00se 40 m0re hes always goiing t0 be here... just liike he has ben... iits when ii wake up and see him hugging me when ii realize that moments liike thiis make me love being aliive.. he makes me feel speciial, beauiiful, loved, cared for.. he keeeps me warm when my b0dy trembles he makes me gl0w iin the dark :] and every step ii have taken wiith him ii have not regreted.,. i am glad how far iive g0tten with him.. iits tiime f0r bed n0w..... and tiime t0 spend qualiity tiime wiith my baby :] g00dnight and may g0d bless u all..
remember ed iisnt ur friend hes ur enemy... he will kill u and destroy u... ed is a bad relationship ur in.. break up wiith ed and never ever g0 bakk! iif ii have ben str0ng and getting by s0 can u.... dont be afraiid t0 ask f0r help please... ur n0t al0ne.... ii love u all.. even iif ii d0nt kn0w u