I sit here and ii donT even know where or how to even start.. I dont know if its fear i dont know if its me being ashamed or just the simple thought that im speaking up and admitting this on my blog... Ive always had a very good liife. My dad and mom always gave us the best they could and to me it was always like a magical world. I never needed anything material wise. I didnt have parents that were tough or mean. If anything i have two of the most amazing parents in the world. On top of that i have amazing friends and in school i was always friendly n surounded by ppl. At times yes life got hard but whos life doesnt? If someone is wondering why im like this or what caused this i wouldnt know what to tell u.. Its something i ask myself everyday. Why? Why do i have this? Why do i fel this way? Why cant i control this? Why am i so scared to step on a scale after i eat? Why is this stronger dan me? How did i get this way? I dont know... I dont know any of the answers to my own questions. what i do know is that i dont want to be this way. I dont want to feel sick :( i dont want to end up like those poor girls that r under 90 lbs. I dont want to loose my liife for this. i want to laugh smile be hyper like i once was. I want to boxx kikboxxx skate without being scared dat i might faint. I want to b able to eat without feeling scred of gaining weight. I want to be normal and not let a scale or a size define my happyness i dnt want be being under a 28 inch waist determine wheather my day is gnna b good or bad. I dnt ever wanna vomit on a regular basis i dnt ever want to end up in a hospital bed because i passed out. I dnt ever wanna hear a doctor tell me im close to dying ii dnt want To be this way anymore. I hate everything about this i hate how for some minutes i can be the angie i love that sweet girl whos always smiling and being funny and singing her litle songs i want to be that angie that Used to get up and dance wen her favorite song came on that angie dat was sarcastic n retarded n a dork. I dnt wanna be angie with an e.d shes stupid, shes dumb, shes mean, shes stubborn, shes selfish, shes cruel, shes sick and shes going to kill me iif ii contiinue thiis way!!!!!!!! :( I dnt want to die!! I want to do sooo many things with my life i want to start going to school. I want to become a fashion designer i want to one day find that boy that will love me unconditionally. I want to get married. I want to hug everyone i love. I want to see my best friend jazmin get married one day. I want to have kids. I want to make love. I want to feel loved.. Feel those butterflies again.. Blush.. Meet new ppl. I want to be happy and healthy! I dont want to be angie the sick one.. Angie dat is a disapointment to ppl. I dnt want to be dat angie dat makes ppl mad or frustrates dem i dnt want to have to wear shit loads of blush to cover my pale face! I dnt want to put eyeliner so my eyes can look alive!!!! I dnt want to be cold anymore wen its hott! I dnt want my body hurting anymore :( I dnt wanna be scared to eat.. I dnt wanna eat n stare at my food with hate cuz dese damn v0ices are telln me its gnna make me fatt :(... I want to b normal.. Im so scared so ashamed so dissapointed in my own damn self because im allowing this damn disease to take over me i protect it. I hide it. Im allowing it to grow by telln myself that im not that bad.. Half of me is normal the other half of me is sikk and its wanting to take over my healthy side. I try n tell myself that i'll never be under 90 lbs.. Dat i'll never throw up by forcing myself i try to tell myself i'll neve reach dat point.. But look at me now.. I always said id never be one of those girls and now ii am one of dem I never really knew ii had a problem.. Sometimes iii still think ii dont.. But wen ii realiized how ii was starving my self, how weak my body had gotten n how ii diidnt seem to care how much ii was hurting physically all dat seemed to mater was me getting smaller. The first day i didnt eat ii thought ii was just feeling sikk and my mind was telling me ur not hungry derefore ii wudnt eat. One day turned iinto two.. Den three.. Until ii hhadnt ate in about 2 weeks.. Drank water, pikked on something every 3 days but it was a smere pinch. My hair was falling out, i had bruises, its like all ii cared about was me and my body. I was emotional and wen ppl started to react drastiically ii got scared because i wud look in dee miiror n cry cuz even though i felt smaller ii didnt feel small enuff :( After i realized how bad i felt n how ii didnt care ii knew ii had a problem.. N ii am very afraid of the things ii can do to my body but ii cant stop.. And ii know dat iif iits up to mee i wont get help.. Not until im literally 120! :( i cry as im writing this because as time passes i wanna be lower n lower n my healthiest weight is 150 not lower dan dat but since im so close to dat ii decided to b 120 n ii dont know wats going on with mee :(
i can sit here and say my eating disorder aint that serious, my eating disorder isnt out of hand, i have control of my eating disorder. but the reality of iit iis ii dont know who has control anymore me of myself, or ED of me.. i dont know who i am.. i dont know what it feels like to enjoy a plate of food, i dont remember whens the last time i ate without feeling like i have to either go to dee restroom or drink alot of water so it can make me go to the restroom.i dont know whens the last time i ate a full meal without thinking i wonder how many calories im consuming :[ my ED is slowly but surely taking over me and the saddest part is how iim not doing anything about it. When i was healthy and i didnt obsess so much about food i would probably have never really understood what an eating disorder was. i think for everyone there eating disorder is different yet alike in some ways. ii think if a friend wud have came up to me and told me she had anorexia i wud just tell her eat doll its easy, or bulimia oh dont throw up your harming your body..... or if they just told me hey angie i have a small eating disorder i wud say ur dumb just eat its ok. but now that im going through this ii know how its not just about eating its not that simple if it was that simple not one person would suffer from it. what most people dont realize is that when a person realizes she has a problem or when someone realizes it for her the attachment between HER ED and hes is stronger than anyone could imagine. Its a sickening mental state of mind. ITS NOT EASY!! for me admitting it to myself was hard i remember looking at myself in the mirror and crying, i remember telling myself ii wasnt pretty enough and that ii would do whatever iit took to reach my goal, but then at that moment i had no idea id end up where ii am now.. and even now i tell myself 120 angie ur only a few pounds away 120 is your ideal weight when i know that its not! i am going through this alone and its hard its hard because i cant go to anyone i cant cry to them i cant tell them my voices said this to me today i cant tell anyone how wweak i feel i cant let anything out because i feel like no one understands mee :[ i promiised myself to never tell anyone this.. but when ii started feeling really siick ii spoke out.. and ii told 2 ppl closest to me.. why did ii tell them? Because i was scared because ii wanted to hear someone tell me ii cud over come this ii just wanted someone to know someone to care :( and because dey r dee few ppl whom ii trust.. Jazzy n erick.. Daisy also knows..
So whats stopping me from getting help?? I am.. My fear.. My obsession my goal. Its me manipulating dem and making dem think im either ok or that im going to actually do something about it.. When i know i am not.. When i know i will stay out of the doctors office n therapists for as long as ii can get away with it. Ive always ben good at manipulating people n getting thigs done my way.. Which can most of the times be a good thing but in this case ita not a good thing because the more i wait the worse i get but dey dont know dat.. Dey dont have to know dat but mee... :( Wen daisy threatened me that shed tell my parents ii got relly scared but at the same time ii felt betrayed.. Betrayed becauae instead of threatening mee her being an ed sufferer herself she shud know how scary and hurtful going through this iis.. She shud know that the least thing we need is pressure stress i literally swore to her ii was gnna start eating and she believed mee.. Den she started partying doing her own thing n kinda forgot about iit which was what ii wanted.. Jazzy knows ii have a problem she knows im bad but shes also busy and she tends to forget. They r easy to manipulate.. Erick well he aiint dat easy.. He actually snaps me bakk into reality.l he makes me want to get help.. But ii manipulate him too. Or atleast I used t0. I would tell him i'll get the help.. And make it seem like i would do it any day now.. Den we would either argue or fight or we wouldnt talk for some days and ii allowed it only because it gave me more time. More weeks.. More monnths.. And ii know the more i waited. Dee siiikker ii would get.. Yet dee sikker i get.. Dee smaller iid get as well.. Iwasnt lyying to erick wen iid tell him ii would get help.. Because ii am.. Just not now.. :( not until i reach a size 3.. Not untill ii get to 150 n from dere work my way to 130... Its something ii strive for.. Its my biggest goal... Its my biggest secret.. None of dem have to know.. with erick out of my life now or better yet him having no clue what I d0 what s0 ever its ben easier f0r me to keep this a secret easier for n\me to shrink. No wi don’t have t0 w0rry about anyone finding out.. because even though he was hard to manipulate I always found a way t0 d0 it.. he always believed me.. always allowed me to keep my ED for another week, month, and now ii don’t have to worry about him taking me out to eat, or taking me t0 the d0ctor and I like that!
so what happens now? i dont know all ii see iis a visiion.. 120 on that scale.. and ii swear ii will get there.. iif iits the last thiing ii do :[
maybe den ii will finally get help.. but as of now ii cant because iim not pretty enough... 120 iis beauty.. i will be the thinnest in my house.... u waiit and see